Old Guys and Elevators

I decided that I do a lot of bitching on here, so I have made the executive decision that when I have a con, I will also have a pro. Now, I am not going to stretch so far as to say that I will do a Pro Con Pro like during good old recruitment days, but I will at least try to have a positive with my negative...

Con: Elevators and those who travel in them... with me.
I work on the 6th floor of my building. I would say the 6th floor is certainly within range for taking the stairs, maybe it is a bit of a hike, but the stairs are definitely not out of the question at this level. That is in normal buildings. In my building, the stairs are for travel down only. Apparently it makes more sense to only allow the stairwell doors to open out on the bottom floor. They claim it is a security issue. I claim that whoever made this decision was either a)fat and lazy or b)required no exercise because they are anorexic. The lack of ability to use the stairs to go up bothers me for two reasons.

1. SELF magazine says I should use the stairs to burn a few extra calories.
I get a super-helpful text message from SELF magazine daily with tips for diet and weight loss. A while back they suggested taking the stairs at least once a day to shed a pound or two. I would totally be interested in trying this out, especially since I make a number of trips between floors throughout the building each day. However, this crazy down only stuff totally ruins it.

2. People on the elevator are awkward.
Doors to the elevator open. I enter. Joe Bob enters. That makes two people in one elevator. These are not small elevators, in fact they are rather large. Instead of standing on the other side of the elevator where Joe Bob has his own buttons to push, he decides the best location is to stand as close to me as possible. WTF dude?! I do not want you, or any other stranger that isn't Jonny Depp standing this close to me, especially not when there is plenty of room for you and your entire staff to stand on the other side. And it isn't just one person that does this. It is everyone in this building. Apparently they can judge me better (see Judgement Day) if they are closer to me. If only I could take the stairs, I could prevent creeper guy from practically standing on me in the elevator, and probably prevent some of the judging that goes on all too often inside of that small space.

Sometimes, just to be a jerk because I hate this elevator dilemma so much, I will get off at my floor then push every button on the elevator so that in the chance that someone else gets on, they have to stop at all 5 of the other floors on their way down. I guess that doesn't really remedy the situation, but it makes me giggle and that's basically the only thing that matters.

Alright, now I will discuss a Pro: Old Guys
I LOVE old guys. I don't know what it is about them that gets me going, but I just adore them. By old, I mean above the age of 30. I like to categorize my "old guys" in two classes:

1. Sexy Old Guy younger than my dad: This old guy is in my dating pool. I made a strict promise to myself that I would never date anyone older than my dad. Not only would that be awkward for him, but what if my mom decides to leave my dad and go after my man?? My mother does not like guys younger than her, so I figure that I am safe if I stick to this rule, since she and may father are about the same age.

2. Legit Old Guy: Older than my dad and most likely someone that is dopey looking. I like the legit old guy because we can do something for one another. I vow to always flirt with Legit Old Guys in public when I see them. This includes in the Wal-mart checkout line, on the street, in a restaurant waiting area, at the dentist, etc. (Note: this does not include bar settings, because that is creepy). I feel that a smile at them, or a wink, or even some small talk works wonders. The result, he feels like he still has it, whatever "it" may have once been. I feel good because I made his day -- I mean what Legit Old Guy doesn't want to be hit on by a cute twenty-two year old girl? Classic example happened the other day when I was shopping. Legit Old Guy, let's call him Richard, is at Macy's trying on a sweater. He is about 55, tall, dark hair that is showing signs of grey, and looks like in the past he probably had a decent body but time has taken it's toll. I am in the men's section near the dressing rooms and I honestly can't tell you why I was there because I don't really have anyone that I should be buying anything for there, but I always look just in case. "Richard" comes out of the dressing room looking for his wife, who is nowhere in sight. I tell ol' Rick that the sweater he has on makes him look like George Clooney to which he says I am a good liar and continues to make small talk with a huge grin on his face. He asks me who I am shopping for and I tell him my brother -- I don't have a brother -- and he asks for my opinion on a couple other items. See, Richard's day was so much better because of me. His wife probably appreciates it because Richard is actually being helpful to her today because of his stellar mood. You are welcome Richard's wife. And I of course, feel like Saint Janeyboo because I brought so much happiness to so many people all with my lovely smile and good theatrical performance (by the way the sweater was FUGLY).


Okay, I guess ending with a Pro at least made me feel a little better. Eh, who am I kidding, it made me realize how great the Pro's are and how extra shitty the Con's are. Maybe I won't be doing this Con then Pro thing much longer...