Life Resume

I like to ask strange questions. In fact, my favorite conversation starter has always been to tell me three quirky facts about yourself. Recently, however, instead of asking for just three facts, I have begun to ask people to share their life resume. To begin with, I usually get a look of confusion. What happens after that looks pretty much determines if we can be friends.

For starters, you must be willing to share your resume, not just look at me like I am out of my mind, even if that is the case. Secondly, your resume must be colorful and lack any bit of seriousness. For example, my life resume includes the following:

Education
School of Binge Drinking - Major in Tequila
Rando University - Major in make-outs; minor in finding out names

Applicable Experience
Author
-Fabricating stories.
-Lying about shit that no one cares about

Productivity Manager
-Screwing around during any given job, class, or task at hand
-Complaining when others aren't doing what I want

Communication Specialist
-Talking shit on strangers, coworkers, and acquaintances
-Spreading gossip

Activities Coordinator
-Thumb War Champion
-Paper Rock Scissors Pro

Guest Services
-Hosting cocktail parties
-Hosting shackers

Private Investigator
-Stalking friends, friend's friends, potential boyfriends, potential boyfriends' ex (or current) girlfriends, and strangers

References
Bartender
Police Officers
Former Flings


As you can see, with the perfect cover letter, I am destine to land anything that I put my mind to with a resume like this. I mean seriously, I have had such a wide variety of careers! Try not to be jealous that your life isn't nearly as good. Or maybe you won't have a problem doing that since this resume has yet to get me far.